FAQ – Hotel Cafe

These are some frequently asked questions, and some frequently given answers to go along:

Q: Can I ask you a question?
A: Yes.

Q: So, where is The Hotel Café?
A: 1623 1/2 N. Cahuenga Blvd. In Hollywood. 1/2 a block south of Hollywood Blvd on the West side of the street.

Q: How many stages do you have going at once?
A: Two!

Q: How big is Hotel Cafe
A: The Main Stage has a capacity of ~200. Second Stage ~75.

Q: What time do you open?
A: 630pm most nights. Check calendar.

Q: Do you do streaming shows still?
A: Yes we do. Check each show page or HERE for more info.

Q: Is The Hotel Café still an all ages venue?
A: No. We are now 21+.

Q: Since you’re not an all ages venue anymore, should i call or email to ask if the show is all ages?
A: No.

Q: But I have a friend/cousin/brother/niece/girl that babysits for me/grandfather/doula/merch seller that will be 21 in two weeks.
A: Really you have a doula that is under 21?

Q: Yes.
A: That seems a bit risky, wouldn’t you want a doula to be somewhat experienced in child birthing?

Q: Are we really discussing your opinion of the age limitations for a doula?
A: You brought it up…

Q: Wait. Is this a new website?
A: Yes. Yes it is.

Q: Can I bring in my newborn baby?
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: Do I seriously need to answer that?

Q: Can I bring in a child of any age?
A: Sorry, no, as per law (though sometimes seemingly ridiculous), we are 21+. Please get a babysitter.

Q: Do you serve food?
A: Not anymore. But there are plenty of restaurants around us.

Q: Do you take credit cards?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you ever have free shows?
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: Because we believe a live performance has value. Not charging an audience to see said live performance takes away that value. In time, music fans will come to expect live shows, much like recorded music nowadays, to be free. Especially in smaller venues where many, now stadium sized acts, get their starts. Really a lose lose for everyone in the long run. We also believe that paying less than the cost of parking your car for an entire night of great music is a fair trade.

Q: But other venues have free shows often.
A: We know.

Q: But wouldn’t the Hotel Cafe have more people spending money on drinks if the shows were free?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you take reservations for tables?
A: No.

Q: Why don’t you have more tables?
A: We’re not allowed per city/fire marshall.

Q: Do you pre-sell tickets to shows?
A: Yes we do for most shows.

Q: Do you have a phone?
A: Not really. But we are fast on email.

Q: If a show on the calendar doesn’t have “Tickets Available HERE” or something similar next to it, should I call, email, or come by the hotel cafe to get tickets for a show that is 3 weeks away?
A: No.

Q: If a show says SOLD OUT next to it, does that mean I should email or come by to ask how to buy tickets?
A: No.

Q: If I send you a package, can i use Fed Ex or UPS?
A: No.

Q: Regular mail AKA the good ole post office?
A: Yes.

Q: Where can I park when I come to The Hotel Café?
A: Paid parking is available in 2 fairly convenient lots. One just behind the Hotel Cafe and 1 about a ½ block North on the same side of the street. Other lots in the neighborhood are available. Follow signs that say “Parking”. Street Parking is also available, but limited. Or if you Uber you can park in your driveway or anywhere you’d like really.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I park?
A: See above.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I load in?
A: Load in through the back door in the alley.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my guest list be 50 people?
A: No.

Q: 30 people?
A: No.

Q: 15?
A: Yes.

Q: I’m not on the list, but I am *insert industry related job title here*, can I get in for free?
A: No.

Q: What if I give you my card?
A: No.

Q: It’s a nice card…
A: Yes it is.

Q: It’s got rounded edges…
A: Yes, I see… Very impressive… Is that ebossed text?

Q: Wait, I thought I was asking the questions?
A: Just saying… Embossed text makes for a decent card.

Q: So, how about it then?
A: No.

Q: Your website is boring.
A: Not any more! (Said with excitement and some kind of wamp chicka wamppp waaahhhh background riff and a quick little jig)

Q: I have this web design company, we…
A: No. See above.

Q: You want your website to be boring?
A: At the time, yes. It served a purpose.

Q: Why?
A: Bells and whistles are overrated & flash still doesnt work on Iphones. Ha! Flash… Remember that? But honestly updating it all manually with terrible html skills became very time consuming. And it still looks great on iphones.

Q: I have a Blackberry.
A: What is a blackberry?

Q: Can I bring in my own beer or wine?
A: No.

Q: What kind of beer do you have?
A: A Bunch…

Q: What kind of reds do you have?
A: A Bunch…

Q: Whites?
A: Yes..

Q: Can I get a Vodka Cranberry then?
A: YES. Yes you can.

Q: Can I book bands for you?
A: No.

Q: My friend has a six year old that she’d like to get into the show…
A: No.

Q: Is this thing on?
A: Yes.

Q: Is the plexi-glass around the soundboard bullet proof?
A: No.

Q: So, I do this comedy act…
A: Do you?

Q: Abrah Cadab…
A: No.

Q: Do you have a problem with comedians or magicians?
A: Not at all.

Q: I see on the calendar that you have a few TBAs. Can I have the one on the 15th?
A: No.

Q: The one on the 23rd?
A: No.

Q: Any of them?
A: No.

Q: So, I am from Saskatoon Dink, Canada, and I don’t know anyone in LA, and no one knows me. Can I have a headlining spot at The Hotel Cafe?
A: No.

Q: Can I have a residency?
A: No.

Q: Please?
A: No.

Q: Can I be on the tour?
A: No.

Q: Is The Hotel Cafe Tour ever coming back?
A: One day.

Q: Is there a Hotel Cafe record label?
A: Sort of was back in 2008.

Q: I am a music reviewer for an online magazine you’ve never heard of. We get 150 unique hits per day… I don’t have a business card, but I would appreciate being on the “House List” every night to photo-review acts that preform at…
A: No.

Q: But I have a camera.
A: I have an Iphone.

Q: I have a Blackberry.
A: Nice. They used to grow wild next to my house in Pennsylvania.

Q: Wow, is that central air I feel?
A: YES it is..

Q: Can I play with a Marshall Half Stack?
A: No.

Q: What if I turn it down?
A: No.

Q: But it doesn’t sound right unless it’s really loud.
A: No.

Q: How about this smaller amp that is more suitable for the size of the room?
A: Yes.

Q: I have in ear monitors, and…
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: We are not Staples Center.

Q: I have a wireless mic set up that I’d like…
A: No.

Q: Do you have a piano?
A: Yes.

Q: Is the piano tuned?
A: YES! 🙂

Q: Do you have an extra 9 volt battery?
A: No.

Q: Can I shoot a movie at The Hotel Cafe?
A: Yes!

Q: Can I smoke in The Hotel Café?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Burgundy Room?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Room?
A: No.

Q: Do you rent rooms by the week?
A: No.

Q: Can I rent a room?
A: No.

Q: Is this even a Hotel?
A: No.

Q: Is this a cafe?
A: It used to be.

Q: Do you serve coffee?
A: Not anymore.

Q: Can you give my CD to Nic Harcourt?
A: No.

Q: Can I have Gary Jules’ phone number?
A: No.

Q: Is Max or Marko here?
A: They might be.

Q: I don’t have a demo or any music online for you to hear, but I’m really good, can you book me?
A: No.

Q: I can play a little right now, sort of an audition…
A: No.

Q: Do you have an open mic night?
A: No.

Q: You should.
A: No.

Q: Can I send you my EPK?
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: EPKs are so 2001.

Q: Do you allow filming in the Hotel Cafe?
A: No.

Q: But i work for *insert pop culture-content whoring giant coorporation here* and we’d be sure to…
A: No…

Q: Why?
A: A few reasons. Becasue everyone asks, and we can’t allow some and not everyone. Because Youtube video quality sucks… Because 30 people holding their damn cell phones in the air blocking everyone elses view of the stage is somewhat annoying… And because live shows are special. Watching them in a 2×3 inch box on Facebook with tiny little computer speakers crackling out tunes makes them less special..,

Q: But I have a HD video camera…
A: I have an Iphone.

Q: I have a Blackberry.
A: Bacon.

Q: So, should i call or email to ask if you could make an exception and allow me or my sister’s friends boyfriend who’s a great videographer film my show next week?
A: No.

Q: That seems harsh…
A: That’s not a question.

Q: But don’t you stream live shows now?
A: Yes. We just left the above dialogue because its funny.

Q: I run an online music site you’ve never heard of, and we believe your venue would benefit greatly from advertising on our site, which stresses the importance of DIY music. Our ad rates start at…
A: No.

Q: Do you run ads anywhere?
A: No.

Q: Have you ever run an ad?
A: Sometimes, but not often.

Q: Why not?
A: Because no one reads newspapers anymore and Facebook/Instagram ads are a joke… Remember when you could reach your own fans for free? We ‘member.

Q: That’s sad.
A: It is. But we have a big email list and social media following.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my girlfriend and all of her friends drink for free?
A: No.

Q: I played tonight, and brought 3 people to see me. Do I get Paid?
A: No.

Q: Does this beer taste funny to you?
A: No.

Q: Is a Stella Artois glass smaller than a pint glass?
A: No.

Q: It looks smaller?
A: Yes it does.

Q: Why is that?
A: Physics.

Q: Can I have a job?
A: No.

Q: How about I just leave my resume?
A: No.

Q: What happened to the pool table?
A: It’s gone.

Q: Do you still have the open jazz jam?
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: Because no one in LA appreciates jazz.